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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26364547">Not the Sum Total of What You See</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenmemento/pseuds/brokenmemento'>brokenmemento</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The High School Chronicles [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Teenage Bounty Hunters (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Complicated Relationships, Emotionally Repressed, F/F, Falling In Love, First Time, High School, Identity Issues, Love Confessions, Secret Relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 06:41:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,111</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26364547</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenmemento/pseuds/brokenmemento</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Part 2 of "Yesterday and a Long Time Ago."</p><p>Senior year begins and April and Sterling must navigate the still murky water of their relationship while preparing for the many changes they will face again at the end of the year.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>April Stevens/Sterling Wesley</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The High School Chronicles [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1915879</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>360</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Before</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This will earn its 'M" rating in chapter 2. Also, I am someone who very much focuses on the difference between the 'M' and 'E' ratings. My stories that are 'M' are more emotionally based while still containing sexual situations. My explicit stories...do not. lol. I didn't feel like this one warranted the strongest rating considering who is the subject of the material.</p><p>AKA-don't expect smut. Just putting that disclaimer out there before someone romps on me about it tomorrow. I've had that type of feedback once, so I'm heading it off at the beginning.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There’s more to April Stevens than the world will ever have the privilege of knowing. That’s what Sterling thinks as she stares at the back of her eyelids. </p><p>About how incredibly soft April is sometimes, how gentle and kind she can be. The way her voice changes when she actually cares. How her eyes almost twinkle when she’s displaying a rare moment of girlish exuberance like the high school senior she is. </p><p>It’s these things that pack Sterling’s incredibly full heart. It’s things like this that continue to make her smile. </p><p>But there’s a duality to it too: because right now? The world will never know. At least, not until April is ready to share it. And that seems like it will be a while.</p><p>———-//————</p><p>Sterling meant what she’s said: that she’d wait. Even if they go at a snail’s pace, it’s better than never going at all. It’s why she doesn’t pressure April, lets them just exist together for a while. </p><p>Even though she’s already lost the chunk of herself that everyone talks about saving for that someone special, she doesn’t regret her actions from before. Even though she wants nothing more than to know April that way too, has been dreaming about it since the janitor’s closet after the forensics debate, she also knows that when it happens (not if) it will be like her first time all over again because it will be April and because April has different types of angles, beautiful curves that she remembers with stark clarity, and she will love every moment of them being together when they get there. </p><p>She’d like to say the start to the senior year has been easier, but it really hasn’t. Because she is still bounty hunting with Blair. School is ever-pressing and there’s a lot more to think about now that they’re seniors. On top of always imagining April on top of her. </p><p>Especially when they’re officially unofficial. Together but not really. On the DL but still sworn enemies in the halls. </p><p>It’s still a good turn on, but Sterling lets it make her a little sad too. There never seems to be enough moments to touch April how she wants to, to actually smile at her and lace their fingers together instead of adopting an air of general aloofness whenever they are in the same room. </p><p>Which are two classes and a study hall. All of which are ticking hours that Sterling has to not let her gaze wander, to not get distracted by the possibility of what life might look like someday where April can tell her awful parents to lump it and be her own woman. Sterling just hopes that when that happens, she’s still a part of April’s big life. </p><p>What makes seeing her agonizing is that there has to be that edge to every word and look that passes between them—again. Like their dynamic didn’t completely shift one bizarrely wild week last year. That they haven’t found their way back together in the space between. </p><p>As if Sterling’s heart hasn’t grown exponentially since then. Like some Romeo and Juliet kind of life except the only big difference is they aren’t physically dead, just a little bit emotionally. </p><p>She hears them murmuring about it in government. Playing it off as complete disinterest, she feigns listening to what they’re saying.</p><p>“Like, I really tried to ask her what she wanted to do. You only turn 18 once, but she told me it was no big deal,” Ezekiel brings a hand to his chest like he’s horrified by the words.</p><p>“She’s so extra about everything. I can’t believe she didn’t assign us a list weeks ago,” Hannah B. says in her soft voice that sounds like she has her head permanently in the clouds.</p><p>“Well, if her birthday ends up boring and uneventful, that’s on her,” he snaps back. “I can’t be put under pressure at the last possible second. It would wreak havoc on my pores. This face isn’t worth that.”</p><p>The lecture starts and Sterling becomes lost. Not that she ever had this grand idea of spending their birthdays together, but April hasn’t even mentioned it in their brief encounters with stolen kisses in between classes.</p><p>Suddenly, everything feels really heavy. Sterling won’t go so far as to call it hate but what they’re doing is wearing her down. It’s as if she’s stuck between being grateful for what she actually gets and angry that there can’t be more. </p><p>
  <em> But I said what I said.  </em>
</p><p>While that doesn’t mean she has to carry on like this forever, she knows they won’t anyway. At some point, things will change. In which direction, she can’t say. Certainly, April has given no indication of anything—not even her upcoming birthday. </p><p>Sterling makes up her mind to bring it up anyway, even though she knows she absolutely shouldn’t. After a year of this back and forth, she supposes April is used to it by now. </p><p>———-//————</p><p>She does that annoying Sterling Wesley thing of bringing it up during study hall. When they’re supposed to be doing things like...studying. </p><p>April is standing by the door as the bell rings, chatting away to her little trinity when Sterling sneaks past, not even meeting any of their eyes despite the fact that both she and April will have to meet when they take their seats. </p><p>Ezekiel always gravitates to Hannah B. and while she’s always thought it kind of hilarious that he ditches April for the other girl whenever they all have a class, now Sterling just finds it sad. </p><p>“So, big event coming up soon,” Sterling tries to make a play for nonchalance as April takes her seat, but the excited edge of her voice shatters that. April just makes a face. </p><p>“I know you’re not referring to…”</p><p>“Your birthday!” Sterling smiles but then brings her voice down a bit. Nervousness courses through her and she feels like such a nerd. “I just-I wanted to say I hope it’s a great one. You know, when it gets here.”</p><p>April works to withdraw a textbook and her laptop, as well as a black pen. She glances over at Sterling with the same look she’s given her for the last seven years. Sterling wonders how she can be so freaking good at it when only that morning, they’d been heatedly pressed together in a stairwell. </p><p>“There’s a presidential election in November, a stack of college acceptance letters at home on my desk, and the world is still in the midst of a global pandemic. I hardly think my birthday warrants as a blip on the radar,” April haughtily replies. </p><p>Sterling sighs, rolls her eyes and places her earbuds in. April looks somewhat shocked at being dismissed after her rant, but Sterling suddenly feels tired from it all and leans over the table they’re at, placing her palms underneath her as she rests her head atop them. </p><p><em> Aren’t you going to study? </em>April mouths but Sterling points to her headphones as she grimaces in confusion despite knowing exactly what April has said. She looks like she could bite bullets into with how mad she is. </p><p>Sterling lets that fact curl in her belly warmly, bringing her legs closer together under the table. Oh, who cares anyway. She’ll just kiss it out of April later. Maybe throw in a couple of nips for good measure to show she’s as equally displeased today too. </p><p>———-//————</p><p>“You think I lack empathy.”</p><p>Sterling frowns, backs up from the kiss they’ve just been sharing tucked back in the library stacks. “I think that...not.” She leans over. “I know better than anyone what you’re capable of. Of what you can feel. Maybe not the full depth of it, but you show me more than everyone else and I consider that the most wonderful gift.”</p><p>April gives her a look that burrows it’s way to her very soul, but Sterling is pretty good at ruining things so she wipes it off April’s face as she nips at her ear playfully. Breath hitches, hands still. </p><p>“I didn’t bring up my birthday because it didn’t seem right,” April tries again. “I wasn’t trying to leave you out or...whatever.”</p><p>The mood dampens somewhat, Sterling feels the press of reality again. She shrugs. “It’s fine. Not like we could spend it together anyway. I just want you to have a nice day is all.”</p><p>“Must you yank out my heart every chance you get?” April says in exasperation, stepping further away. </p><p>“Not my intention,” Sterling grumbles, “but whatever.”</p><p>“This,” April points animatedly, “is all I know to do. I’m <em> trying </em> here, Sterl. I know it isn’t ideal or even good most of the time, but it sure beats the alternative which I don’t think I can handle right now. Even though this is…” she rolls her shoulders and curls her lip. “annoying beyond belief, it’s the only thing going even halfway right at the moment and I don’t want to give that up.”</p><p><em> Unless you do. </em> It’s unspoken, but it still floats between them. April has always given Sterling an out. Sterling has rarely given April a way to stay in. </p><p>“It’s fine,” Sterling concedes. “I know we’re living in this very narrow yet somehow comfortable closet like Harry Potter and…”</p><p>“What? No—no one reads those books due to their occult subtexts that contrast with our Christian ideals,” April combats. </p><p>“I lost my virginity out of wedlock and now I’m making out with you on the regular. I think for the metaphor I’m going for here, God will cut me a little slack.” Sterling takes April’s hand. “I know I can’t be there for you next weekend. But I wanted you to know you’re in my thoughts.” She walks off then, leaving April alone in the stairwell. </p><p>More days pass, much like the ones before. Class, stolen kisses, hot breath, another class. Before Sterling knows it, it’s the next week. Friday. </p><p>Maybe she has Blair sneak into April’s gym locker to leave the items she bought earlier in the week with part of her bounty cut—a single yellow rose with red tips, bound with a coral ribbon around the stem. A game card to the Fun Zone. A simple gold charm bracelet with a heart on the chain. </p><p>Blair tells Sterling she almost puked when putting it in April’s locker as they sit together at lunch. Sterling smiles and twirls a lock of her hair at the thought. She goes the rest of the day without so much as a word from April until five minutes before the departing bell for the end of the day. <em> Don’t make plans</em>, it reads. Sterling doesn’t.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. During</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Basically ATTHS...but with angst! and feels!</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Seriously, thank you for the kudos/comments. You all are so incredibly kind.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>She doesn’t have to tell some intricate lie anymore, at least not since </span>
  <em>
    <span>her</span>
  </em>
  <span> incident. Her mom and dad (uncle and aunt? She still has trouble processing that even though she still calls them by the same monikers) have enough skeletons in their closet to fuel a graveyard so they’ve taken to giving Sterling a little more leeway when she tells them she’s going out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not like she’s abusing it or anything. But she definitely doesn’t have to mince words or struggle against the truth bubbling up when she tells them. They’ve also eased up on the Life 360 app they used to require being on all the time too. While she still uses it most of the time, tonight, she wants it off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That’s because tonight is April’s birthday. Her excellent 18. Even though they’ve had to keep their relationship to the unpopulated hallways and dark corners of the school, April has decided to take her first leap in months of carrying on the way they have. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She’s requested Sterling to be available this evening. It had been a quick text, simple and to the point. (They don’t do it much, even on Snapchat. It’s too risky and they don’t want a body of evidence of their secret, especially one her dad can find.)</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Be ready by 6. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>And that had been it. Nothing else. Sterling knew better than to text any more, to inquire the ins and outs of what exactly would be happening and how April would manage to get away. It’s been six months since Sterling’s world imploded and six months of wanting more of April than she can actually ever have. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sterling would love to plan something super romantic and worth every stolen moment they’ve had at school, but she’d promised to play the long game if it meant she kept getting to have April even some of the time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tonight will be breaking the pattern and she has no idea what to expect when she meets her in the evening. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She throws on a tight pair of ripped at the knees jeans, a yellow sweater with wide and intricate designs in the strung together yarn, and a black tank underneath. Adding a pair of Converse, she grabs her purse and keys before barreling out the door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>April’s waiting when she pulls up in the parking lot outside the Ross Dress for Less. The sun is going down but still bright and warm for the Georgian evening. Sterling squints against it and looks to April, more casual than she’s ever seen her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She almost looks...less stuffy. Her age even. The eighteen year old that she is. April’s in jeans too, a belt wrapped around them. There’s a faded green denim looking jacket looking extra delectable on her and a simple gray v-neck underneath. When the light shifts, Sterling catches the glint of something on her wrist. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The bracelet. Sterling swallows and speaks. “Fancy meeting you here,” she teases. “And in such a place with special memories. It’s not every day I get threatened and called a tramp.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You made some poor choices then,” April raises an eyebrow and crosses her arms, leaning against her car. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Says the pot,” Sterling volleys back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Even though they’re unofficially official, Sterling knows they still get off on this antagonistic back and forth. It’s what fuels them, makes them electric with one another when the gentle softness just won’t do. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>April hums noncommittally, not saying anything.  She throws Sterling a crooked smile that Sterling feels all the way to her heart. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, what did you want to meet up about?” Sterling plays ignorant. Like they’re standing here purely by accidental circumstances and that this is just another day.  Like she put on lip gloss for zero reason. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just get into the car,” April points. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then reality hits. “Aren’t you afraid to be seen in public with me?” It hurts to speak, but Sterling does. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>April licks her bottom lip then bites it. “No? Plus I’ve been working on my parents for the last few months. Dad has come to realize I think he’s a piece of shit so, in order to not lose his relationship with me completely, he has conceded a few…” she grinds her teeth. “Things.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like I have him thinking you and I are on shaking ground but sort of friends,” she bites out quickly. “Despite everything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Right, friends. Not...more. Which is fine, really. Sterling nods. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I told them we have a report for government and Econ to write together. They knew better than to press but bid me be home at ten.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What happens when they ask to see our work?” Sterling wonders. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>April pushes herself up from the side of the car and opens the door, holding out her hand for Sterling to take. “I have one,” she says simply. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>All of the fight melts away in Sterling as she takes the proffered hand and slides into the seat. April closes the door and rounds to the driver’s side, turning the key in the ignition. When she shifts between the gears, the metal shines in the waning light. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sterling can’t help but smile as she watches Atlanta go by. April pulls up to Felini’s and puts the car in park, bidding Sterling wait. She comes out a few minutes later with a pizza box, containers with small salads, and two bottles of water. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They make their way to Historic Fourth Ward Park and eat their slices of pizza and salads while watching skateboarders do grinds and attempt flips at the skate park area. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It really is the perfect night, even though they adopt the guise of more ‘friends hanging out’ than ‘girlfriends on a date.’ Which is so more than okay in the end. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The conversation is light but not uncomfortable. They talk about safe things—school, post-high school plans, funny memories from the past. The gossip is good and the company even better. When it hits 8 pm and the lights flick on in the park, April stands and offers Sterling her hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Disappointed to think about leaving, Sterling lets April drag her up and protests a little to which they share a laugh. Making their way back to the car, neither bring up the jewelry on April’s wrist.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, back home so you can make it to your own on time?” Sterling mumbles against the window. Not petulant, just wistful. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, actually…” April sort of stutters and Sterling turns from the window to see the bounce of April’s leg not on the gas pedal. “One more thing before that. If you don’t mind.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sterling can only shake her head no, that she doesn’t. Which sends them into the rest of the drive in silence. After a while, April pulls into a heavily covered area with trees just beginning to turn. Swaths of orange, or yellow, some red poke out from the green here and there. Sterling sits up and looks around, not familiar with the area even though it’s beautiful still at night. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Google said there’s a path somewhere near here?” April finally says. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why?” Sterling queries but when April fixes her with a look, she immediately understands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She almost curls in on herself, her heart beginning to thrum in her throat and adrenaline pumping through her veins. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When April finally finds the path, she pulls over and cuts the engine. She doesn’t look at Sterling at first when she speaks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m ready,” April smiles and laughs. When she does, it sounds like the air draining out of a balloon. “To be...intimate.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sterling lets out a squeaky and disbelieving laugh. She sobers a little when she looks into April’s eyes. Loses her smile completely when she hears what she says. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Join me in the back?” April hooks her thumb and motions with her head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The anticipation of what they’re headed toward is freezing Sterling from any movement. Not that she’s all talk and no action but for as much as she’s pushed for this, has wanted this, now that it’s here, she doesn’t know what to do. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Unless you want me to take you back to your…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She never gets to finish the sentence because Sterling is planting a foot on the console and flopping down in the back. April’s crossing over is more agile and smooth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once fully across, she sits close to Sterling with their legs pressing together and sides melded too. It’s easy to sense the nerves piling up in the car but the static energy of everything as well. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s dark in the car, only faint lights from the radio being on low, the tune barely discernible over the beating of Sterling’s heart. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I still want to sleep beside you and I still want to hold your hand,” April spills out as her hand shakes and her eyes stay fixed on Sterling’s abdomen. “But I also want this. So, so much.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>To prove her point, she runs a finger over the button on Sterling’s jeans and then looks up quickly. The fear in her eyes is evident. Sterling feels her own beginning to bubble up and even though she is no longer in possession of her chasteness, she hasn’t exactly done what April is alluding to a lot and never with a girl. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, uh…” Sterling looks down at the soft curve of April’s barely there nails as the girl’s (woman’s?) thumb continues to trace over the metal. When she looks up into Sterling’s eyes, that same fear is so overwhelming, it staggers Sterling a bit. “You don’t...I mean </span>
  <em>
    <span>we</span>
  </em>
  <span> don’t have to. If you’re uncomfortable. I just wanted to be near you tonight, not necessarily in that way.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Even though she flopped into the backseat scant minutes ago to maybe get to this point. Even though she’s basically a wreck down below. Even though April has said this is what she wants, Sterling can put the brakes on if April decides this isn’t what she needs after all. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sterling, I want you tonight. In this way,” April says quietly. As if to further prove her point, she looks right into Sterling’s eyes as she pops the button on her jeans finally.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>If this is how her heart is working just from a button being undone, how is she ever going to make it through the rest of the steps? What will she do if (when) April actually touches her? Oh, gosh. Or more?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A little fabric is revealed, pink and frilly. Exactly like Sterling always wears but that April has no clue about. She seems mesmerized by it as she now runs the same thumb over the silky material, causing two things to happen at once. Sterling’s breath catches in her nose and throat and April lets out a whimper that Sterling knows she tried to stifle, but it got out anyway. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>April’s eyes go wider and she’s panicking that she let that out. “Seriously, we don’t have to do anything,” Sterling tries to get a hold of herself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She can be the voice of reason. She can not pressure this into happening even though her body is screaming for it. Has been for months in janitor’s closets and everywhere else she’s been able to touch herself and think of April while it occurs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If this is too much or…” Sterling begins, but she’s cut off quickly, not a snipping necessarily but something frayed and somehow, still resolute. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, it’s okay. I’m just nervous,” April admits. Her brows knit together. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>While Sterling’s never been particularly good at changing April’s face from worry to ease, she moves to get closer to her, just to rest a hand on her shoulder in a calming gesture. To maybe bring down some of the jittery tension in the car.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She freezes when, as she moves, April drags the zipper down with agonizing slowness as her eyes burn into Sterling. They’re both panting by the time she’s finished. They’ve barely even touched one another and Sterling isn’t sure either of them is going to make it without exploding first. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>April bites her lip, glances down, and pushes the material of Sterling’s jeans to the side a little bit. The move reveals more of the blush fabric below and Sterling watches her visibly swallow. Just as she reaches out to touch again, April’s hand stalls and she pulls back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know how to do this. I’ve seen...videos but…” she stops when Sterling’s eyebrows shoot to the roof of the car. “What?” April’s tone is mildly defensive. “I built dossiers on the top contestants at the forensics debate. It surprises you I’ve done my research on this?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sterling smiles, shakes her head, then tilts it. Her voice is low and sort of sultry when she speaks. “You do make a good point.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That doesn’t mean I’ll be any good at this. It’s not like they exactly explained how to do it,” April winces, and then she lets loose a laugh with zero mirth. “Wow, I’m sure doing a great job of getting you ready, aren't I?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There are several things that Sterling could say and do at the moment. She could tell April about how any time they’re around one another, she’s pretty much ready to go since her body has been craving the idea of April for a long time. How just a smile or a simple touch could set her off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She could take April’s hand and slide it underneath her bottoms just to prove the point. That idea seems counterproductive to the plan Sterling has been trying to follow though, to let April lead. Instead, she takes April’s hand in her own. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It will be fine,” she assures. “And if we sort of lose our way, maybe I can give you some direction with what I like?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now April’s eyebrows raise. She clears her throat. “I suppose communication is key. Or something.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then her jaw sets and she stares at Sterling intently. She moves fluidly and gently urges Sterling back onto the seat, her own pressed against the one containing the headrests. The push of her against Sterling’s body is delicious on its own. The prospect of more almost stalls out Sterling’s heart. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Already, this isn’t like Luke. While he was kind and gentle, April promises more with the flickering storm in her eyes. She’s two different poles at once, hard edges and rough exterior but a scared heart and a turmoiled soul. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Even now, Sterling can feel it where the small slivers of their skin touch. April’s hand on the slope of her neck and shoulder, the other resting softly against the flesh of a hip where Sterling’s sweater has ridden up. Everything is electric. Sterling is almost ruined.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wanted this to be more special than the backseat of a car. You’re worth more than that, than this,” April whispers and she watches the heaving rise and fall of Sterling’s chest. “But we couldn’t use my room for obvious reasons and I didn’t want to be presumptuous and suggest yours.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sterling rises up, her abs burning a little with the motion as she gently takes April’s lips against her own. After a few seconds, she backs away but still cups her cheeks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It will be perfect because it’s us and we lo...care for each other and that’s what matters,” Sterling tries to assure once more.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With that, April doesn’t speak anymore and slowly but oddly confident, pushes up Sterling’s top to reveal the indentation of her navel, skims then presses her hand between waistband and heated skin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When April slows the slide of her hand to touch Sterling for the first time, when she feels what’s waiting, her eyes snap shut. Sterling can’t help but keep hers blown wide open, not once straying from the face journey April is taking her on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her hand does an experimental swirl, Sterling’s back arches. The whimper Sterling lets out isn’t supposed to be let go. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, Sterl,” April says reverently. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sterling doesn’t know whether to stay quiet or be vocal. To feel a sense of pride at the way her body is reacting or be embarrassed by it. To triumph or hide her head in shame by how ridiculously ready April has found her. So, like always, she follows her heart.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s like this,” she confesses. “When I think about you. About us.” Her cheeks pink even in the darkness of the car. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>All of a sudden, April shoots up and leans over the seat, her face disappearing as she flails about. The music cuts off and she falls rather ungracefully back to her perch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I want to hear everything,” she says and Sterling gasps.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>April buries her face in the crook of Sterling’s neck then, puffs hot air on the goosefleshed skin. Words are getting harder to hold down because Sterling can feel April starting to squirm a little beside her, on top of her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve wanted this for so long,” Sterling’s throat threatens to close with emotion. “I’m so happy to be with you this way.” It seems a little too ludicrous to say thank you, but it’s coming out of her mouth too. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then she’s saying other things as April’s hand disappears again and she works against her expertly for never having done one single thing she’s doing. Which, of course she is. Because this is April Stevens with her hand moving against Sterling, testing other touches. Like she would ever do anything halfway. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Thank you for trusting me enough to experience this with you. Thank you for opening my eyes when I didn’t even know I was blind and thank you for maybe trusting we can keep doing this ‘us’ thing together. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>It all gets uttered as April works Sterling toward oblivion. And maybe it’s for all those reasons why it doesn’t take a whole lot of effort or trial and error because somehow, April just </span>
  <em>
    <span>knows</span>
  </em>
  <span> how to touch her and because she’s seriously been thinking about this for months, has been living with the idea of what they might look like together, Sterling is soon having the best orgasm of her life. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Sterling comes back to herself, her eyes flutter open and April is looking down at her with a sense of awe in her eyes. Not having said a single word the entire time, just letting Sterling talk and talk and talk, her voice sounds strained when she speaks now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You looked so beautiful when you…” she trails off and looks down to where her hand is still tucked against Sterling’s body.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Say it</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Sterling pleads to the universe, the line between the want and need to hear April’s words split. Seeming to sense this, able to read the look on Sterling’s face, she does. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When you came.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sterling blooms then, her smile wide and radiant. She reaches up to kiss April, their lips gliding across one another’s slowly at first but then beginning to heat up again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I...I want to feel you too,” Sterling stammers out between the sliding of their mouths. “Can I touch you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>By this point, both of April’s hands have settled on Sterling’s hips. It’s hard to get past the idea that one has been against her in a much different way. That there might still be her essence clinging to April’s skin. It heats her up again, but she gathers herself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay. You don’t have to,” April says sheepishly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sterling tilts her head and purses her lips, fixing April with a look. “I don’t exactly know what I’m doing either, but I’m willing to try. That’s if you want me to.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Time seems to stretch out for eons, neverending. The quietness of the car only amplifies their breathing. A mere instant before she begins to panic, she hears the whispered words. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I want you to be the first to ever touch me, Sterling.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s that thing again, that beautiful and surprising tenderness that the world rarely, if ever, sees and if Sterling didn’t get so lost in it, she might let it break her heart. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sit up then?” Sterling asks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>April bites the inside of her cheek but then does as she’s told. As they both come to a sitting position, Sterling steers April’s back against the seat and has her face forward while she slides in sideways to her right. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>With a feather-light touch, Sterling moves the hair falling down April’s shoulders and tucks it behind her head and to the other side. As she reveals the expanse of her bare neck, Sterling kisses what she uncovers. Delicate pressings of her lips in a slow and meandering line. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is this okay? Is it working?” Sterling wonders aloud, searching for some reassurance. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Getting in the car with you did it for me,” April quips. “But yes, this is...effective.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sterling rolls her eyes. Of course, April talks about her pleasure like it’s clinical. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She moves her hands from holding April’s shoulder, slides one behind her back to her hip, and lets the other one ghost down the curves of her breasts to lay against her clothed belly. When she moves to check if what she’s doing is alright, the two of them stare at one another. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>With a sudden jerk, April reaches down and works at her belt, fingers quickly undoing it and throwing it to the ground. It’s a weird flurry of movement that includes unbuttoning her jeans and pulling the zipper down on them too. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>So much for the analytical approach</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Sterling thinks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you want me to stop or it’s too much, just tell me. It’s okay. Or if you want to tell me things too. I promise, I’ve got you,” Sterling says this as she rolls up April’s tee below the jacket. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>April nods, leans in to place a kiss against Sterling’s cheek and as she does so, Sterling takes advantage of the shift to plunge her hand where she’s been given permission to go. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Simply put, April feels absolutely perfect and something clicks in Sterling, like maybe she should have been doing this the whole time, like maybe her body was meant to touch April’s too. Some predestined thing that was determined from the get-go but lying in paralysis like everything else between them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>April’s head falls back on the seat and with her free hand, Sterling pushes against her lower back and hip, holding her tightly against her ministrations down below. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s not ideal and her hand cramps and she’s not 100% sure she’s doing it right, or anything at all, but April’s lips are parted and her eyes are closed and eventually, she starts working her hips against Sterling’s hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Say something,” Sterling’s bold mouth requests. The answer comes out like breathy punctuation, the syllables curling Sterling’s toes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So. good. Sterling.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>No part of restraint flows through Sterling then. She probably should ask but she can’t help it, her fingers twist and find a home, her thumb moving to a new purpose. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>April’s hand shoots out to Sterling’s wrist when she sinks and she burns with shame. She should have asked, she should have, but just before she pulls away, April lays her hand on top of Sterling’s against her which helps her set the rhythm. It causes them both to gasp. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sterling rests her forehead against the side of April’s head, panting, and then whispers in her ear. “Control freak.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“As long as you know it,” April grounds out, and then the look on her face is glorious as she reaches her peak after a few more delicate pumps of Sterling’s hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sterling can feel absolutely everything and she whispers </span>
  <em>
    <span>happy birthday</span>
  </em>
  <span> as April’s body tenses.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>On the comedown, Sterling is full up with so many emotions. She's never been good at holding any of them in. Extracting her hand, she leans down and connects her lips to the plane of April’s belly. The action sends a hand shooting into her hair, sends it working to pull her back up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they’re looking at each other again, it slips out, unbidden. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you,” Sterling whispers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Call it shooting her shot or aiming for the stars, she regrets it almost the instant it comes out of her mouth. Not because she’s ashamed that it’s what she feels, no. Mostly because April’s mouth does that thing Sterling has seen on nature shows when fish flop into boats or get on dry land. It hangs open and nothing comes out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s the ‘could be’ that she’d told Blair about almost a year ago. Only now, it’s just an ‘is.’ She’s unsure of when it changed to that, is surprised it could even form considering how badly April smashed her heart into at the lock-in last year. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Somehow, she’s managed to piece it back together though and the dumb thing has managed to fall in love with the very person who broke it in the first place. It’s a vicious cycle and Sterling feels incredibly naive. Not once has going all out on her feelings where April is concerned ever worked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It all becomes too intense to handle, so Sterling spins, bolting out of the door. Barreling into the night with tears in her eyes even though she </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew </span>
  </em>
  <span>better. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She walks down the path a space before lights illuminate her form and April’s car pulls up, the window down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Get in the car, Sterling.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s a command and she’s too tired to argue. She bolts from the car without a word when April drops her off at her own. April, maddeningly, lets her. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. After</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The doorbell rings two days later. Not hours, <em> days</em>. By this point, Sterling has managed to flop out of bed and at least shower the smell of them off of her body. That’s not to say she didn’t lay around with it clouding her senses for close to 36 hours though. </p><p>Like some depressive hobo or something. Anyway, it wasn’t a good look and she didn’t want Blair to point out that she smelled like sex and depression, so she locked her out most of the weekend until finally opening the door on Sunday morning. </p><p>“My nostrils and the air around you thank you,” Blair teases over breakfast, most of which Sterling just picks at despite the impressive array. </p><p>“What’s up with you? I thought we agreed, no more ‘melancholia’,” Blair whispers conspiratorially after their mother has risen from the table. </p><p>Despite being Sunday morning, Sterling can’t find it in herself to stop the language coming from her mouth. “Sometimes, things are just shit, Blair.” She takes a bite of waffle. It tastes like sandpaper. </p><p>Blair’s mouth drops open in faux shock, but Sterling knows that she’s proud of this little wave of rogueness flaring up again. Because even though they’d fought over it in Nandina, Blair also really appreciates that wild spirit now that she understands it a little better. </p><p>Because Sterling Wesley does things like masturbating in janitor’s closets. Masturbates in janitor’s closets at Christian schools. Masturbates in janitor’s closets in Christian schools to images of angry girls. Makes out with an angry girl in another part of said Christian school. Takes said girl to parking lot of said Christian school and lays on top of her in the backseat of a car as they make out furiously. </p><p>Gets dumped by girl, pines for girl, pieces broken heart back together because of girl, falls in love with girl despite knowing the damage that girl can cause. </p><p>Sterling throws her fork down to the table with a clatter as her mental monologue comes to an end. She just feels incredibly numb. Chancing a glance over at Blair who frowns, both of their gazes turn when the doorbell rings. </p><p>Blair makes a face and points in confusion. Sterling has no idea who would show up on Sunday morning before church. Surely not Bowser. </p><p>“Hi, Mrs. Wesley,” Sterling hears from the door and she slams her hand down on the table so hard, every piece of cutlery and every dish rattles. “May I speak to Sterling for a moment?” the voice asks sweetly. </p><p>She’s <em> here</em>, standing at Sterling’s door, asking to speak to her after she gave her the most intense orgasm she’s ever had, didn’t utter a word as Sterling professed her love, and let her leave without a word. </p><p>No text, no call for two days and she has the metaphorical <em> balls </em> to show up with honey in her voice? Sterling finds herself seething instead of hurt. </p><p>Blair looks at her smugly and Sterling rises from the table, making her way to the door where her mother stands with a somewhat shocked expression on her visage. </p><p>“It’s the Lord’s Day, so let’s make this succinct, shall we?” her mom requests. She motions to the door and walks away as Sterling approaches. </p><p>“Of course, Mrs. Wesley,” April quickly agrees with a disarming smile and then waits until she disappears. She reaches out to touch Sterling’s arm but then stops mid motion. “Can we talk?</p><p>Not confident that her words won’t be venom, Sterling just points to the back garden. She leads them out and then looks around, nowhere to sit but the bench nearby. She really does hate benches…</p><p>She sits down anyway. April does too, their thighs brushing together on the stone. Silence envelopes. Sterling refuses to be the first one to speak. </p><p>“I didn’t say anything the other night because I didn’t know what to,” April finally lets out. “You’re just so...intense with your feelings and so quick to push them out whereas I have to take time to get used to them and make sure they’re precise before I say them.”</p><p>April wrings her hands in her lap. The same ones that brought Sterling one of her greatest joys in all of her 17 years. She hates that the thought rings a little hollow now staring at them in her lap. </p><p>“Sterling, I meant what I said at the Fun Zone that first time we met to talk. When I crush, I crush hard. I always have. But you haven’t been a hard crush since 5th grade. You’ve been so many versions in me, I never knew what to feel. And you mean more than Adele Miesner ever could so if I was willing to run away and track her down in second grade, can you imagine what it’s like for me with you now?”</p><p>To say that Sterling is stunned is an understatement. It’s the most frank she’s ever heard April be. Five minutes ago, she’d wanted to slam the door against her face. Now she wants to slam her entire body against it for vastly different reasons. It’s hard to both love and hate the way April is capable of morphing her heart. </p><p>“I want to be with you and I want to be able to be out and proud about being with you because I do, you know,” April gets a far off look, twinged with a little sadness. When she says her next words though, she’s looking Sterling square in the eyes and reaching out to lace their fingers together. “I do love you. But things in this forsaken place are not friendly. For every progressive ally, there are 20 more narrow minded, self-righteous assholes.”</p><p>She sighs and runs her free hand through her hair, messing it up a little from it’s perfect shape. It makes Sterling smile, the gesture so uncharacteristically April. She cannot help but squeeze their hands together. April’s voice dips as she continues on.</p><p>“I gave you my body the other night and I want to keep giving it to you. And I don’t know if this works out in the long run, but it makes me feel good and I want to be selfish and keep feeling that. I want to try and make you feel that way too.” She lets out a breath of air, like she’s been holding it all along.</p><p>“Wow,” is all Sterling can squeak out once April’s said her piece. She reaches out then, touching the chain on April’s wrist. “You’ve worn it.” She says it quietly. </p><p>“I investigate everything,” April sidesteps Sterling’s words, her finger gliding along the gold jewelry. “Why I didn’t stop to look into the rose and the ribbon in my locker...if I had, I would have known.”</p><p>Sterling purses her lips. She’s wondered if they’d ever circle back around to this. Or even address it at all. Everything she’d had Blair put in April’s gym locker had been deliberate, no part devoid of meaning. </p><p>She shrugs. “I just wanted you to know.”</p><p>“Yellow tipped roses, falling in love. Coral for desire. You’ve been talking to me this entire time and I had barely been listening,” April says in disbelief of her own actions. “And this,” she touches the bracelet. “You gave me your heart.”</p><p>“I mess things up when I actually speak words out of my mouth,” Sterling sighs. “And I guess, up until that moment in your car on Friday night when I said…” her throat closes up, she fidgets. “...what I said, I thought that you were reciprocating. That that’s why you decided to...have sex with me. Because you understood the meaning behind everything.”</p><p>Yet April hadn’t. Sterling had been flung out into space Friday night and floated along all weekend—until now. It feels like this might be having a tether thrown to her. </p><p>“I do now. But I wanted to be with you Friday night because of my own internal thoughts and desires. I’ve shoved everything away for so long, I was tired. I just wanted to feel and you’re the only one that does that anymore.”  </p><p>Sterling nods, trying to internalize everything. She’s not sure what happens next in a scenario where you buy a girl a heart charm bracelet that she wears on her wrist and hardly addresses it, where you tell someone you love them and the words are not reflected back exactly how you imagined them. She doesn’t want to drag the ground in despondency but also doesn’t want to live on meager and misplaced hope either. </p><p>“So where do we go from here?” Sterling asks. It’s a question she dreads the answer to but has to put forth all the same. </p><p>“I don’t exactly know,” April concedes. “Because we’re still here and we’re still us.” She turns to Sterling then. “One of those is a universal constant. The other is TBD.”</p><p>Sterling absolutely hates this because now they’re on heavier topics than having a love that can go nowhere as long as they live where (with who) they do. </p><p>“Have you figured out what life looks like after high school?” Sterling asks, trying to hide the ache in her voice. </p><p>She’s always tried to be agreeable with change. This one seems bigger than everything else she’s faced, even at the end of last year, and she suddenly doesn’t know if she has the wherewithal to not let it cripple her again. </p><p>There’s something to be said of young love and firsts. While they’re easily dismissed as pinpricks of time on the line of life, the effects of them are long lasting and deserve more clout. Sterling knows that after this, regardless of what happens, she will never be the same.</p><p>“I’ve got some prospects…”April begins slowly, carefully, until Sterling shoots her a look. “Okay, a lot of prospects.” She stops and gets a serious expression on her face. “And while I’ll never tell another soul this, even if they beg...I feel like whatever I chose is going to be a reflection of you.”</p><p>“But we can’t...you said…”</p><p>“Right now, yes. In seven months, we get to start being who we want for the rest of our lives. I could go to some Ivy League school and drain my daddy’s money on college tuition for a diploma that qualifies me for a job I could have studied for at a nice four year college. Or I could follow my heart for once in my fucking life and start to do it my way.”</p><p>While Sterling knows that April isn’t agreeing to alter the entire course of her life to follow her, she’s suggesting that she might let go of a big one in order to stay near. Suddenly, every profession of love from here on out may pale in comparison to this. </p><p>Because this is the language of it. The actions (and yes, sometimes words) are heart wrenchingly beautiful and worth totally everything. </p><p>“I’d kiss you right now if I could,” Sterling smiles and swishes her legs back and forth on the bench. Thinks of how nice it is to have the memory of places like this change for the better. </p><p>“I know,” April says. “But someday?” </p><p>Sterling knows she isn’t talking about secret ones in secret places. She knows they’ll be able to be together again, will keep stealing moments with one another’s bodies until they know exactly how to touch them and memorize every single plane and curve. </p><p>What April is talking about is a day when they can openly show their love for one another on park benches in public, can hold hands as they walk into the Wesley home for Thanksgivings and Christmases. Where Sterling can be in a crowd of people and introduce April as her girlfriend or, <em> oh my</em>, even her wife someday.</p><p>It plasters a dopey grin on her face she can’t contain. They’re not exactly where they want to be but maybe they’re getting there and that means something. Sterling settles on what to say next, her words coming back from the car when her hands had been caressing beautiful sounds from April, had been feeling that same beauty everywhere. </p><p>Sterling looks out across the garden area. “I’ve got you.”</p><p><em> And I’ve got you. </em> </p><p>Sterling supposes she can forgo holding April’s hand when they’re holding each other’s hearts anyway. </p>
  </div></div>
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